Why Worry Now?

Yes, he is different.  Very different.   Yes, he shakes and flaps 

when he gets excited.  He asks wacky questions over and over again.  Yes, he is inappropriate in just about all social situations.  No one knows what he will do or say next.

The excited flap (notice the moving hands)!

 Yes, it hurts my heart to see same aged peers pal around with each other at the pool, take part in swim team practice, play in tennis matches, do the things that 8 and 9 year old boys do.  All the things my boy will not ever do.

When I get to this gloomy place in my thinking, next, my mind wanders to my list of worries – which change by the day.  Today they were as follows:

•       Is Matthew swallowing the piece of leather from the car seat cover he just chewed off? (I hope he spits it out)
•       How long has that piece of poop been on his rug, and did the babysitter notice it today?  (probably – gross!)
•       Will he lock himself and the babysitter in his room?  (most likely)
•      Is his camp calling because he had a seizure (no, the call was about a behavioral issue – thankfully!)

These worries, they drag me down.  But then, I will go someplace with Matthew, like tonight, to “burger night” at our pool.  I see how many people there truly enjoy Matthew for who he is. My heart swells when I see the joy he instantly can bring to others.   I watch him interact with friends of all ages – I think to myself – this boy who has me worrying so much -  he is actually taking others’ worries away just by being himself.   

Yes, he is fun.  Yes, Matthew draws a crowd.  Yes, people want to be around him because he makes others feel good.  His warm smile, his big heart. 

His heart is truly amazing.  The love he has in his heart, it knows no bounds.  I recently injured my big toe, the result (hold your breath) is my toenail fell off.  Have you ever seen how gross a toe looks without a toenail?  Especially a big toe?  It is disgusting.  So, this afternoon, Matthew got home from camp and I was letting my toe breathe without a band-aid.  It was the first time he’d seen my nail-less toe.  Immediately, in a concerned voice, “Mommy, what happened, are you OK?”  And then, without delay, “I know what will make you feel better,” and he gets down on his hands and knees, and kisses my big, dirty, disgusting nail-less toe with his sloppy, wet kiss.  I am simultaneously freaking out at the germ situation while admiring the pure love he has in his heart, to kiss that freaky looking toe of mine. 

Then, I have to ask myself, “What am I worrying about?”  Because this kid, he’s got the big stuff figured out.  

Matty, hanging out at the pool with his warm smile and huge heart!